OK, some card name ideas. Try not to fall off your chair laughing. Gotta start somewhere.
Cards:
Armor/Weapon:
Vigor: you gain {scale 50/50} maximum health
Clipper: kills (not assists) reduces all active cooldown by {scale 10/5}%
Dimensional feet: you gain {scale 5/5}% movement speed
Replenish: eliminations heal you for {scale 100/100}
Destroy:
Bouncer: enemies hit by destroy are now knocked back for {scale 200/200}
Reduction: reduces Destroy's cooldown by {scale 0.5/0.5} seconds if it hit an enemy
Renew: if Destroy hits an enemy, it heals you for {scale 100/50}
After Blow: gain {scale 10/10}% movement speed for 3 seconds after using Destroy
Traverse:
Dimensional Barrier: after using traverse you obtain a {scale 50/50} shield for 3 seconds (internal cooldown : 10 seconds)
Frequent Traveler/Flyer: reduces Traverse's cooldown by {scale 0.5/0.25} seconds
Dimensional Wind: using Traverse gives you {scale 15/15}% movement speed for 3 seconds (internal cooldown 10 seconds)
Better Hide: dropping below 30% health resets Traverse's cooldown (internal cooldown : {scale 45/-5} seconds)
Accelerate:
Regen Boost: each kill (not assist) while accelerate is active gives you {scale 5/2.5}% ult charge
Impatient: reduces Accelerate's cast time by {scale 0.5/0.5} seconds
Hyper Drive: the Orb travels {scale 20/20}% faster during accelerate
Swindler: you gain {scale 5/5}% lifesteal while accelerate is active